My Life

So... Let's talk about my life right now. I look back at my blog posts and it seems like I'm bipolar. I swear I'm not, just goin through some thangs, promise.

First off, my love life is currently on hold, once again. Not that it was actually going anywhere, I was fooling myself into thinking that there was something there. Also I felt like I was the only one putting forth effort. MayB I was wrong. I don't even know. But I feel like I deserve more than I'm getting. N frankly, I'm getting tired of the dead end relationships period. Gonna go into another 'relationship hiatus', its gonna B hard but my heart needs to heal.

Second, my job sucks major ASS. My coworkers are full of drama, I worked over 40 hours over the course of 5 days, not counting today. If it wasn't for my kids, I would've quit a long time ago. That N the fact that I don't have another job to fall back on.

I'm supposed to move in late May, early June. Found a 620 sq ft apartment that's only $475. Best deal I've gotten for a 1 bedroom that big. Plus its in a really nice neighborhood, so that's also a plus.

I'm going to France this summer with the lil one!! I'm so excited cause I've never been. I've gotta get my passport made soon. N the trip to Cali has been postponed till July but at least I'm still going, yay!!

Figured I'd end this note positively. Life goes on whether you like it or not. So I might as well take it day by day and enjoy the little things. Gonna take a break from blogging for awhile, might post up a few new poems though. Until next time...

Love and bisous,
*Brown Sugar*
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Letting Go

Reconciled with not one, but two ex's today. Life is too short to hold grudges, and its taken me way too long to let some of these things go. I've got mad love for both of em and I'm so glad to have them both back in my life :)

O.A.N. I realize why I can't let her go, I love her too much. She's become my lifeline, my support system, I just can't imagine life without her. I just hope that if we try it again, we'll get better results this time around. That's a big 'if' cause it may not happen at all. But I'm willing to try.

Three cheers for reaching new maturity levels N here's to whatever the future may hold.

*Brown Sugar*
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Secret Lover

Funny how I just took this idea N ran with it. But do you see the underlying message??...

"Just because you left doesn't mean I don't love you
Ever since you left, I can't stop thinking of you
Never has anyone made me feel this way
Never have I wanted so bad for someone to stay
Is it hard to understand my love for you?
Know that my love will always B true
Always N forever, it won't ever change
What I feel for you will remain the same."

-Brown Sugar©

4 A.M.

Thunder woke me up from my sleep. My first thought was how I wouldn't B so scared if she were with me... N this piece came to B. First poem in months so I guess I should thank her for bringing back the creative juices...

"Why can't I just B numb to
The feeling of wanting you??
I want to rip my heart out,
Wanna drown out the thoughts of doubt
Just to get rid of the pain,
Cause 'I can't stand the rain'...for various reasons.
If I could sleep for days, I would
Why haven't I moved on?? I should...
Have never taken the chance again,
Should've never moved past being friends,
Now look at us.
The girl that I used to trust... with my heart is gone.
And here I am, all alone.
Thinking heavy thoughts in the early morn,
Funny how that sounds exactly like mourn...
Cause I'm there. Morning should bring sunlight, brightness, laughter.
But my Mourning is burdened with thoughts of 'Happily Never After'...
If I could go back to that very first kiss,
After experiencing this?
I doubt I'd walk away;
Instead, I'd try even harder just to make you stay.
Knowing deep down in my heart that would B the stupid thing to do,
But that within itself should tell you just how much I love you."

-Brown Sugar©

I WANT

I want so much but I dont think its not too much to ask.
I want you to make time for me, time outside the midnight hours
I want you to love me the way I love you.
I want you to kiss me, no matter where we are
I want you to hold my hand
I want you to B proud of me
I want you to make me feel like an important part of your life
I want you to hold me through the night
I want you to know that it breaks my heart that we can't work out
I want you to know that I'll always love you
I.Want.You.

-Brown Sugar©

Shopping!! (But What Else Is New??)

So I finally finally finally got the taupe leather jacket I've been searching for!! It cost me about $32, N its 3/4 sleeve so I can still wear it in the summer N fall. Can you say excited??

I'm about to get this hair done in an hour. Oh, good news: I FINALLY got promoted!! So I'm gonna B team leader, which means raise #2. I was really about to quit, but hard work pays off if you just give it time. I'm really proud of myself.

On a romantic note... Yea, I don't have any time for romance at this point in my life. Focused on being happy while doing me is hard enough.

Also, I think I'm moving in the summer!! I've found some cheap furnished inexpensive apartments not too far from where I live, so I'm excited about that. Me N a friend are gonna check them out on Friday.

Well, I think I've rambled on enough lol. Things are looking up, even if it is only a little, and I hope the blessings keep on coming my way ♥

Love and bisous,

*Brown Sugar*

Happy Thoughts!! (Finally)

Today was a good day. Stressful, 50 kids with 2 staff. But I didn't lose my head (yay me).

Its been awhile since I've just sat and conversed with my coworkers, N today I had some pretty interesting convos with almost all of em, separately of course. Feel like I'm working on my people skills.

Oh, and did I mention I was all smiles?? All day long. Ran into a coworker who I have the BIGGEST crush on (I know, shocking right?? Lol), hangin out soon, riding lessons on my other coworkers motorcycle this weekend... Gotta say things are starting to look up. Thinking positive really works people, trust me.

Well, off to write this proposal. I'll B blogging later. Ooh, some motorcycle pics would B awesome, I'll try to post some, let's see if I can convince him to take some of me on his bike haha. :)

Love and bisous,
*Brown Sugar*

What's Done In The Dark...

Why am I awake?? My sleep cycle is all the way thrown off. I'm having a conversation with my ex bf of 9th-10th grade, he's makin me feel old. Plus he's makin me see that I'm not as bad at forgiving as I thought.

He was the first one to cheat on me, with my best friend at the time. Crushed my heart. Even though I wasn't in love with him, I worshiped the ground he walked on. He was a year older, played basketball, football, baseball, volleyball (it was a private school), not to mention he's Haitian. N he was interested in lil ole me, the volleyball player.

He's changed though. He's bitter cause my former bff did him the same way he did me. They forget about KARMA huh?? She's a bitch N not a pleasant one babes. That's what, 4-5 years down the drain?? Not saying he deserves it, but I'm not too remorseful for him. Hopefully he'll learn for the next go-round.

New Month...

Okay. So I haven't been in good place these past couple of weeks, was told to take an online assessment that told me theres a high possibility I may have depression. Big whoop. Just something to add on to my anxiety and the possibility of glaucoma. Im tired of people always ready to tell me somethings wrong with me, if it isnt one thing, its another. I know Im not "normal", but hell, who is? It just pisses me off that the world keeps trying to find things wrong with me when I cant find any good within myself.

So after I found this out, I called a friend asking to talk. Lets just say that didnt happen, due to caking and socializing. Needless to say, I had to let her know how I felt about it. Some people are more selfish than selfless, not their fault. Doesnt mean it doesnt need to be worked on though, just saying.

I woke up this morning and told myself, fuck it, I'm not gonna be mad or sad today. Told myself I wouldnt think any thoughts about love, about her, about financial problems, none of that. Then I looked at the calender: April 1st. Wouldve been a year today. Shook that off. Got in my car and saw the oil light on. Shit, gotta get my damn oil changed. Just one of the many things that requires money. Who knew a 5 year old could grow out of clothes so freakin fast, seems every other week I'm buying new outfits for her.

But whatever, not letting that get me down. Gotta work an 8 hour shift today, gotta love the kids. If my coworker up and magically 'disappears' like hes prone to do when I have 35+ kids, I will calmly cuss his ass out and keep it moving. Not letting anyone walk over me anymore, it gets old really quick.

Its a new month. I'm determined to leave these last couple of months behind and never look back. I'm still trying to find myself, and not giving up on me will be the hardest part...