Since my last blog, things have gone downhill so quickly that I can barely wrap my head around it. Some people are so damn triflin, N I KNOW this, so guess I'm stupid for letting these kind of people back into my life. TRUST NO ONE is gonna have to B put into full affect once again SMDH.
I've recently lost one of the few people who made me genuinely happy. What can I say?? It's a cruel, cruel world we live in. How am I to deal?? I'm told to pray... Okay, that's a start. But that's not helping my heart out none at this point. On top of that, I really hate that someone who is no longer in my life can continue to stake a claim in it. I want nothing to do with you, you're my past N not my future. But my future has to deal with you, regardless of whether we're cool or not. Which really sucks. No one wants to B misunderstood, yet I feel that's where this whole situation is right now.
That's just one thing though. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding. Taking risks KNOWING the consequences, but choosing to ignore the outcome for the sake of being happy in the moment. Not knowing whether the consequences will come sooner or later, but moving forward regardless. Having something so damn precious blow up in such a short period of time?? Horrible. I shouldn't let it affect me this much, but it does. I miss you. I want to forget all the risks, forget the people who don't want to see us together, forget all the negativity that may surround us, simply because I want YOU. I've had a taste, N I don't wanna go back to being "friends". I'd rather B your girlfriend. I love you as if I've known you forever. It tears me apart knowing that we can't B together because so many things stand in the way. Can I just give it all up?? Can I just push it all aside, just for you?? Or is this a test, a test to see whether we can stick this out, go beyond the misery N B content with the fact that we're still able to B apart of each others lives... So many what if's, it's ridiculous. What if our feelings change?? What if we try again N it ends even worse than B4?? What if the misery DOESN'T fade away with time?? What if??
I simply wish that you can B mine again. Fuck what the world has to say, it's between me N you. But is it fair to ask you to join me N have it B 'me N you against the world', is it fair to me for us to have to keep our emotions under wraps cause of this stupid world we live in, is it fair to ask you to B uncomfortable for the sake of my happiness?? No, no it isn't. It isn't fair. Unfortunately this isn't some fairy tale world where wishes come true if you wish upon a star, there are rarely any happy endings. This is the world we live in. N like it or not, this is how the world will remain, cruel, selfish, unrelenting, N we either have to learn to deal with it or let it all go...
~*Brown Sugar*~
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
"Random Thoughts From Rose's Corner"
SIDENOTE: I'm not really expecting this to be read, it's moreso a random ranting session that I had to get out lol. However if you feel like reading it N diving into the sweet mind of Brown Sugar, you are more than welcome :)
I must admit, I've come a long way when it comes to controlling my emotions, but at times my temper still seems to get the best of me. On those days, when I think about you N all the things we went through, I just want to lock myself in my room N sulk the day away. But what good will that do?? I'd rather B out N about, surrounded by the ones who bring me joy. Not as a distraction, but simply because I love them, N by their actions they have proven that they also love me. Actions speak so much louder than words EVER can, N one hug from that someone special makes me realize that I no longer have to cry. I don't have to shed any tears over the past, when I've got such an amazing future to look forward to.
But damn, it seems it's so hard to move forward when your past is steady staring you in the face. Out of sight, out of mind right?? Not quite that simple. So how bout I stitch up the hole in my heart N let somebody else in?? For a long time I was determined to lock my heart away, never give another a chance because it hurt oh so bad. But that's letting you have way too much control over me!! N that's a no-no right there. I deserve to B happy. N even though it's taken months for me to reach that conclusion, I see that now. I deserve to B loved. I deserve to B appreciated. I deserve someone who makes my heart smile, who cares enough to never want to make me cry. I deserve all of that N more.
I feel I've reached the point that I can finally start focusing on someone else N not worry about my past relationship N the effect it still sometimes has on me. I've come to terms with it, N for that I'm thankful. You live N learn. I've learn to not hold me tongue, to speak on a matter B4 it get's outta hand, I've learned to not B so hesitant when it comes to letting someone in. Not just anyone, of course. I've learned that expecting the worst can sometimes B the downfall of a relationship, you can't go into something expecting it to fail. I've realized that I can make someone happy simply by letting them know they've got a place in my heart, N I've learned that there are no boundaries when it comes to who I love. Never again will I limit myself to a "type" of person, as a good friend said, you could B passing up on that someone special because you're focused on a "type" of person. I've learned that arguing sometimes helps, but I try my best to avoid it. Lessons learned the hard way, but helpful nonetheless.
To end it all, I must say that it's not so much that I've changed. As a women, I've grown, matured in more ways than I thought possible. Mentally, I'm slowly losing my somber attitude, still trying to get back to my "happy-go-lucky" attitude, but I feel that I will never fully get that back. So I find comfort in the little things that make me happy, N go from there. Emotionally, well, I'm still working on that. I'm content with myself, I love and embrace who I am as a person. I love those dear to me hard, cause you never know what tomorrow may bring. I'm trying to B a positive role model for my baby girl, N my views about many things have... broadened, for lack of a better word. I find joy in spending quality time with myself (when I can lol), overall I've become a better person. So no, I haven't changed, but I've evolved. Evolution is key for the path I'm taking, nobody's perfect but forever will I strive to make myself better so I can be the best I can be. :)
Love & bisous,
~*Brown Sugar*~
I must admit, I've come a long way when it comes to controlling my emotions, but at times my temper still seems to get the best of me. On those days, when I think about you N all the things we went through, I just want to lock myself in my room N sulk the day away. But what good will that do?? I'd rather B out N about, surrounded by the ones who bring me joy. Not as a distraction, but simply because I love them, N by their actions they have proven that they also love me. Actions speak so much louder than words EVER can, N one hug from that someone special makes me realize that I no longer have to cry. I don't have to shed any tears over the past, when I've got such an amazing future to look forward to.
But damn, it seems it's so hard to move forward when your past is steady staring you in the face. Out of sight, out of mind right?? Not quite that simple. So how bout I stitch up the hole in my heart N let somebody else in?? For a long time I was determined to lock my heart away, never give another a chance because it hurt oh so bad. But that's letting you have way too much control over me!! N that's a no-no right there. I deserve to B happy. N even though it's taken months for me to reach that conclusion, I see that now. I deserve to B loved. I deserve to B appreciated. I deserve someone who makes my heart smile, who cares enough to never want to make me cry. I deserve all of that N more.
I feel I've reached the point that I can finally start focusing on someone else N not worry about my past relationship N the effect it still sometimes has on me. I've come to terms with it, N for that I'm thankful. You live N learn. I've learn to not hold me tongue, to speak on a matter B4 it get's outta hand, I've learned to not B so hesitant when it comes to letting someone in. Not just anyone, of course. I've learned that expecting the worst can sometimes B the downfall of a relationship, you can't go into something expecting it to fail. I've realized that I can make someone happy simply by letting them know they've got a place in my heart, N I've learned that there are no boundaries when it comes to who I love. Never again will I limit myself to a "type" of person, as a good friend said, you could B passing up on that someone special because you're focused on a "type" of person. I've learned that arguing sometimes helps, but I try my best to avoid it. Lessons learned the hard way, but helpful nonetheless.
To end it all, I must say that it's not so much that I've changed. As a women, I've grown, matured in more ways than I thought possible. Mentally, I'm slowly losing my somber attitude, still trying to get back to my "happy-go-lucky" attitude, but I feel that I will never fully get that back. So I find comfort in the little things that make me happy, N go from there. Emotionally, well, I'm still working on that. I'm content with myself, I love and embrace who I am as a person. I love those dear to me hard, cause you never know what tomorrow may bring. I'm trying to B a positive role model for my baby girl, N my views about many things have... broadened, for lack of a better word. I find joy in spending quality time with myself (when I can lol), overall I've become a better person. So no, I haven't changed, but I've evolved. Evolution is key for the path I'm taking, nobody's perfect but forever will I strive to make myself better so I can be the best I can be. :)
Love & bisous,
~*Brown Sugar*~
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"Dear Lover" II
"Dear Lover,
You might think I've changed, but I swear it's for the better
So I've decided to write you this sentimental letter.
See, I've gone out of my way to forget about my past
So that if we do have something, it'll be able to last,
I promise with you I won't make the same mistakes
This is one promise I assure you I won't break.
Know that I'll trust in you no matter what,
Cause I don't wanna rewind the hands of that clock...
I'll stand there beside you, through thick and through thin,
And when temptation calls, know I'll never give in.
Communication is key, and I've been working on it
And I gotta say, I think I've improved a bit.
My patience has grown, to my satisfaction
Although as of yet, I haven't put it in action.
Dear lover, dear lover, whomever you may be
I only ask one simple thing of thee:
Take me as I am, although you may not always understand,
So that when I'm down, I know I can always reach out and grab hold of your hand...
Sealed With A Kiss,
Yours Truly"
-Brown Sugar©
You might think I've changed, but I swear it's for the better
So I've decided to write you this sentimental letter.
See, I've gone out of my way to forget about my past
So that if we do have something, it'll be able to last,
I promise with you I won't make the same mistakes
This is one promise I assure you I won't break.
Know that I'll trust in you no matter what,
Cause I don't wanna rewind the hands of that clock...
I'll stand there beside you, through thick and through thin,
And when temptation calls, know I'll never give in.
Communication is key, and I've been working on it
And I gotta say, I think I've improved a bit.
My patience has grown, to my satisfaction
Although as of yet, I haven't put it in action.
Dear lover, dear lover, whomever you may be
I only ask one simple thing of thee:
Take me as I am, although you may not always understand,
So that when I'm down, I know I can always reach out and grab hold of your hand...
Sealed With A Kiss,
Yours Truly"
-Brown Sugar©
"More Than I Can Have"
"I don't wanna see you in my nightmares,
I'd rather have you in my sweetest dreams.
I don't wanna rush though, wanna take it nice and slow
'Cause so many things are not as they seem...
In such a short amount of time,
You've come to mean so much to me
I wonder, if it ever reaches there,
How much would I enjoy 'we'??
Damn, that word sounds so damn nice,
Sit back, hold on, breathe...
I doubt I should be so excited
When thinking or you and me.
Guess I can't help but imagine
How good things would be,
But then there's also a small nagging feeling
Of how detrimental this can all end
And that makes me hesitate to take
That step away from being friends...
What am I to do??
'Cause I want you oh so bad
Guess I'll have to take it a day at a time, little by little
All that I want, all that I need, more than I can have..."
-Brown Sugar©
I'd rather have you in my sweetest dreams.
I don't wanna rush though, wanna take it nice and slow
'Cause so many things are not as they seem...
In such a short amount of time,
You've come to mean so much to me
I wonder, if it ever reaches there,
How much would I enjoy 'we'??
Damn, that word sounds so damn nice,
Sit back, hold on, breathe...
I doubt I should be so excited
When thinking or you and me.
Guess I can't help but imagine
How good things would be,
But then there's also a small nagging feeling
Of how detrimental this can all end
And that makes me hesitate to take
That step away from being friends...
What am I to do??
'Cause I want you oh so bad
Guess I'll have to take it a day at a time, little by little
All that I want, all that I need, more than I can have..."
-Brown Sugar©
"Dear Lover" I
"Dear Lover,
More and more I dream of you,
Fiend for you, am in need of you.
I can do bad by myself, this is true,
BUT I'd rather be bad not by myself, but with you.
Should I make you mine?? Or rather, would you wanna be??
Cause I ain't in the mood to keep my options open, see...
I hate that things are in such a high level of difficulty,
But would I really feel the same if it were too easy??
Those in your past, they don't know what they're missin'
Damn I love the sweet emotions that overcome me when we're kissin'.
I'm beyond content and so happy with this decision,
To fulfill your wishes and desires has become my only mission.
Dear Lover, have I told you that you make me smile??
When I'm with you, feels like I'm on cloud nine.
The emotions I'm feeling is so divine,
Dear lover, dear lover, won't you be mine??
Sealed With A Kiss,
Yours Truly"
-Brown Sugar©
More and more I dream of you,
Fiend for you, am in need of you.
I can do bad by myself, this is true,
BUT I'd rather be bad not by myself, but with you.
Should I make you mine?? Or rather, would you wanna be??
Cause I ain't in the mood to keep my options open, see...
I hate that things are in such a high level of difficulty,
But would I really feel the same if it were too easy??
Those in your past, they don't know what they're missin'
Damn I love the sweet emotions that overcome me when we're kissin'.
I'm beyond content and so happy with this decision,
To fulfill your wishes and desires has become my only mission.
Dear Lover, have I told you that you make me smile??
When I'm with you, feels like I'm on cloud nine.
The emotions I'm feeling is so divine,
Dear lover, dear lover, won't you be mine??
Sealed With A Kiss,
Yours Truly"
-Brown Sugar©
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
"Unspoken Thoughts"
"Lend me your ear, sit back, take a listen
While I try to explain the way you make my heart quicken
How making you smile is making me fall so hard
How is it that you can just come in and knock down all my guards??
Honestly, for you I wouldn't mind Cupid's love game
And it soothes my soul to know you feel the same
Right now, if you asked, I'd give you the world,
How ecstatic I'd be if I could be called your girl.
Your terms of endearment give me such a warm sensation,
This feeling is of major proportion, of such a huge calibration.
At times, I wish I could fully call you mine
But for now, you belong to me, if only in my mind
Can I have all of you, right here, right now, for the night??
'Cause when I'm with you, it all feels so right...
Don't worry, I promise I'm one you can trust,
Never would I betray you, I care way too much.
I tried to come into this with 'no expectations, no disappointments'
To no avail, with you I feel only contentment.
I enjoy this feeling, the feeling that you care
To the point that my heart to you, I would bare.
So many things about you that I cherish,
From your laugh to your attitude to your company, which I relish.
Real talk, I could be your ride or die
But we don't necessarily have to be like Bonnie N Clyde.
See, that term seems so damn cliche'
And doesn't even begin to encompass the way...
That I feel about you.
Man oh man, all the things I'd do,
Go over and under, above and beyond
To make sure that pretty face is never graced with a frown.
That's not quite it, but for now you've seen
Just how much of an effect you have on me..."
-Brown Sugar©
While I try to explain the way you make my heart quicken
How making you smile is making me fall so hard
How is it that you can just come in and knock down all my guards??
Honestly, for you I wouldn't mind Cupid's love game
And it soothes my soul to know you feel the same
Right now, if you asked, I'd give you the world,
How ecstatic I'd be if I could be called your girl.
Your terms of endearment give me such a warm sensation,
This feeling is of major proportion, of such a huge calibration.
At times, I wish I could fully call you mine
But for now, you belong to me, if only in my mind
Can I have all of you, right here, right now, for the night??
'Cause when I'm with you, it all feels so right...
Don't worry, I promise I'm one you can trust,
Never would I betray you, I care way too much.
I tried to come into this with 'no expectations, no disappointments'
To no avail, with you I feel only contentment.
I enjoy this feeling, the feeling that you care
To the point that my heart to you, I would bare.
So many things about you that I cherish,
From your laugh to your attitude to your company, which I relish.
Real talk, I could be your ride or die
But we don't necessarily have to be like Bonnie N Clyde.
See, that term seems so damn cliche'
And doesn't even begin to encompass the way...
That I feel about you.
Man oh man, all the things I'd do,
Go over and under, above and beyond
To make sure that pretty face is never graced with a frown.
That's not quite it, but for now you've seen
Just how much of an effect you have on me..."
-Brown Sugar©
Monday, May 17, 2010
"Untitled"
"I swear, I was set against this,
Against this happening again...
That statement holds no conceit,
I'm being genuine, ready to admit defeat.
After having to deal with so much deceit,
The lies, the games, the tears, the pain,
I vowed NEVER again would I give in.
Never would I put myself in such a predicament...
Well here we are again.
I'm right back where my last began...
Do I wanna do this??
Do I wanna be here??
Most importantly, do I wanna fall for you??...
I don't wanna play the fool,
But I think I'm there,
At the point where I'm bound to fall
But I'm afraid to give my all
'Cause I don't want us to get burned...
I can't help but wonder, can't help but spin the scenario
Of what would happen between us two, if I were to fall in love with you??..."
-Brown Sugar©
Against this happening again...
That statement holds no conceit,
I'm being genuine, ready to admit defeat.
After having to deal with so much deceit,
The lies, the games, the tears, the pain,
I vowed NEVER again would I give in.
Never would I put myself in such a predicament...
Well here we are again.
I'm right back where my last began...
Do I wanna do this??
Do I wanna be here??
Most importantly, do I wanna fall for you??...
I don't wanna play the fool,
But I think I'm there,
At the point where I'm bound to fall
But I'm afraid to give my all
'Cause I don't want us to get burned...
I can't help but wonder, can't help but spin the scenario
Of what would happen between us two, if I were to fall in love with you??..."
-Brown Sugar©
"Fallin'"
"Pay attention to the whispered advances,
Indulge with me in erotic dances.
I must admit, I do like participation,
How far will this go, this infatuation??
I'm stuck in a place of no return, but I ain't complainin'
'Cause where my heart's residing now, I wan YOU to be stayin'.
I think I should let it be known
That when it's time for me to leave you, I don't wanna go.
Tell me baby, what am I supposed to do??
I know it sounds redundant but I swear, I think... I'm addicted to you.
I can be your sunshine after the rain,
N I promise to try my hardest to ease ya pain
I admit, I'm fallin', straight fallin', N I gotta say,
As of now, your love is all I wanna gain..."
-Brown Sugar©
Indulge with me in erotic dances.
I must admit, I do like participation,
How far will this go, this infatuation??
I'm stuck in a place of no return, but I ain't complainin'
'Cause where my heart's residing now, I wan YOU to be stayin'.
I think I should let it be known
That when it's time for me to leave you, I don't wanna go.
Tell me baby, what am I supposed to do??
I know it sounds redundant but I swear, I think... I'm addicted to you.
I can be your sunshine after the rain,
N I promise to try my hardest to ease ya pain
I admit, I'm fallin', straight fallin', N I gotta say,
As of now, your love is all I wanna gain..."
-Brown Sugar©
"Fantasy"
"Baby, take my hand in yours
Deep breath, relax, just let me explore...
I know your body's yearnin', cravin' my touch
I want to hear you ask for the thing you want so much
Do you want me to start off slow,
Or do you want me to go real fast??
Do you want me down below??
Just some questions I would ask...
I want to bask in your presence,
I'd love to breathe in your essence,
I'll make your body react in such a way
That for days you'll be thinkin' bout our escapade.
Not meaning to be rude, don't wanna seem mean,
But I'm on a mission baby, and that's to hear you scream...
My name, as loud as you possibly can,
As I work wonders on you with my mouth, body and hands.
Take it baby, work it baby,
That way you puttin it down is drivin' me crazy.
Imagine how much better this could be
If I gave my all to you, and you gave your all to me.
I'll make you one promise, see,
I'll be the one who will fulfill all your fantasies ;)"
-Brown Sugar©
Deep breath, relax, just let me explore...
I know your body's yearnin', cravin' my touch
I want to hear you ask for the thing you want so much
Do you want me to start off slow,
Or do you want me to go real fast??
Do you want me down below??
Just some questions I would ask...
I want to bask in your presence,
I'd love to breathe in your essence,
I'll make your body react in such a way
That for days you'll be thinkin' bout our escapade.
Not meaning to be rude, don't wanna seem mean,
But I'm on a mission baby, and that's to hear you scream...
My name, as loud as you possibly can,
As I work wonders on you with my mouth, body and hands.
Take it baby, work it baby,
That way you puttin it down is drivin' me crazy.
Imagine how much better this could be
If I gave my all to you, and you gave your all to me.
I'll make you one promise, see,
I'll be the one who will fulfill all your fantasies ;)"
-Brown Sugar©
"In The End"
"I know we've had this conversation many times before
But that doesn't stop the questions knocking at the door
What's the point in holding back when...
I know I'll be fallin' for you in the end??
I don't need a title but I wanna be more than just friends
Where will this all lead, in the end??
Do you realize how much I cherish the times we share??
When I sleep alone at night, how bad I want you there??
I left my heart at the door, without reason I left it there,
'Cause now all I wanna do is show how much I care...
The more of you I get, the more of you I want,
I'm fiendin' for your love like a kicker needs a punt.
It doesn't matter where we're at, doesn't matter where we've been,
All that I'm worried about is where we'll be... in the end."
-Brown Sugar©
But that doesn't stop the questions knocking at the door
What's the point in holding back when...
I know I'll be fallin' for you in the end??
I don't need a title but I wanna be more than just friends
Where will this all lead, in the end??
Do you realize how much I cherish the times we share??
When I sleep alone at night, how bad I want you there??
I left my heart at the door, without reason I left it there,
'Cause now all I wanna do is show how much I care...
The more of you I get, the more of you I want,
I'm fiendin' for your love like a kicker needs a punt.
It doesn't matter where we're at, doesn't matter where we've been,
All that I'm worried about is where we'll be... in the end."
-Brown Sugar©
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