Of course I would find these today. Seems sooo long ago, a scavenger hunt from the heart. Wonder if you still feel the same?? Certainly brought back a lot of memories. Like the promise of forever and always. But we all know how that ended...

Ah, love. I really despise you right now.

Update

I found an even better apartment!! 750 sq ft out in Nashville for the wonderful price of $399. I am the epitome of excited right now!! Of course momdukes is all gungho about me takin the lil one but it'll all work itself out. Now if I get this job in Mt. Juliet, I can quit this whack ass job N cut all ties to Murfreesboro with the exception of school. Oh, N fam of course.

I'm getting so motivated to go furniture shopping N decorate, I keep coming up with so many ideas, its ridiculous. Hopefully within the first few months it'll look decent enough so I can have a house warming party!! Lol even though it'll B more like a gathering than a party, but still. I can't wait!! :)

Love and bisous,
*Brown Sugar*
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My Life

So... Let's talk about my life right now. I look back at my blog posts and it seems like I'm bipolar. I swear I'm not, just goin through some thangs, promise.

First off, my love life is currently on hold, once again. Not that it was actually going anywhere, I was fooling myself into thinking that there was something there. Also I felt like I was the only one putting forth effort. MayB I was wrong. I don't even know. But I feel like I deserve more than I'm getting. N frankly, I'm getting tired of the dead end relationships period. Gonna go into another 'relationship hiatus', its gonna B hard but my heart needs to heal.

Second, my job sucks major ASS. My coworkers are full of drama, I worked over 40 hours over the course of 5 days, not counting today. If it wasn't for my kids, I would've quit a long time ago. That N the fact that I don't have another job to fall back on.

I'm supposed to move in late May, early June. Found a 620 sq ft apartment that's only $475. Best deal I've gotten for a 1 bedroom that big. Plus its in a really nice neighborhood, so that's also a plus.

I'm going to France this summer with the lil one!! I'm so excited cause I've never been. I've gotta get my passport made soon. N the trip to Cali has been postponed till July but at least I'm still going, yay!!

Figured I'd end this note positively. Life goes on whether you like it or not. So I might as well take it day by day and enjoy the little things. Gonna take a break from blogging for awhile, might post up a few new poems though. Until next time...

Love and bisous,
*Brown Sugar*
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Letting Go

Reconciled with not one, but two ex's today. Life is too short to hold grudges, and its taken me way too long to let some of these things go. I've got mad love for both of em and I'm so glad to have them both back in my life :)

O.A.N. I realize why I can't let her go, I love her too much. She's become my lifeline, my support system, I just can't imagine life without her. I just hope that if we try it again, we'll get better results this time around. That's a big 'if' cause it may not happen at all. But I'm willing to try.

Three cheers for reaching new maturity levels N here's to whatever the future may hold.

*Brown Sugar*
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Secret Lover

Funny how I just took this idea N ran with it. But do you see the underlying message??...

"Just because you left doesn't mean I don't love you
Ever since you left, I can't stop thinking of you
Never has anyone made me feel this way
Never have I wanted so bad for someone to stay
Is it hard to understand my love for you?
Know that my love will always B true
Always N forever, it won't ever change
What I feel for you will remain the same."

-Brown Sugar©

4 A.M.

Thunder woke me up from my sleep. My first thought was how I wouldn't B so scared if she were with me... N this piece came to B. First poem in months so I guess I should thank her for bringing back the creative juices...

"Why can't I just B numb to
The feeling of wanting you??
I want to rip my heart out,
Wanna drown out the thoughts of doubt
Just to get rid of the pain,
Cause 'I can't stand the rain'...for various reasons.
If I could sleep for days, I would
Why haven't I moved on?? I should...
Have never taken the chance again,
Should've never moved past being friends,
Now look at us.
The girl that I used to trust... with my heart is gone.
And here I am, all alone.
Thinking heavy thoughts in the early morn,
Funny how that sounds exactly like mourn...
Cause I'm there. Morning should bring sunlight, brightness, laughter.
But my Mourning is burdened with thoughts of 'Happily Never After'...
If I could go back to that very first kiss,
After experiencing this?
I doubt I'd walk away;
Instead, I'd try even harder just to make you stay.
Knowing deep down in my heart that would B the stupid thing to do,
But that within itself should tell you just how much I love you."

-Brown Sugar©

I WANT

I want so much but I dont think its not too much to ask.
I want you to make time for me, time outside the midnight hours
I want you to love me the way I love you.
I want you to kiss me, no matter where we are
I want you to hold my hand
I want you to B proud of me
I want you to make me feel like an important part of your life
I want you to hold me through the night
I want you to know that it breaks my heart that we can't work out
I want you to know that I'll always love you
I.Want.You.

-Brown Sugar©

Shopping!! (But What Else Is New??)

So I finally finally finally got the taupe leather jacket I've been searching for!! It cost me about $32, N its 3/4 sleeve so I can still wear it in the summer N fall. Can you say excited??

I'm about to get this hair done in an hour. Oh, good news: I FINALLY got promoted!! So I'm gonna B team leader, which means raise #2. I was really about to quit, but hard work pays off if you just give it time. I'm really proud of myself.

On a romantic note... Yea, I don't have any time for romance at this point in my life. Focused on being happy while doing me is hard enough.

Also, I think I'm moving in the summer!! I've found some cheap furnished inexpensive apartments not too far from where I live, so I'm excited about that. Me N a friend are gonna check them out on Friday.

Well, I think I've rambled on enough lol. Things are looking up, even if it is only a little, and I hope the blessings keep on coming my way ♥

Love and bisous,

*Brown Sugar*

Happy Thoughts!! (Finally)

Today was a good day. Stressful, 50 kids with 2 staff. But I didn't lose my head (yay me).

Its been awhile since I've just sat and conversed with my coworkers, N today I had some pretty interesting convos with almost all of em, separately of course. Feel like I'm working on my people skills.

Oh, and did I mention I was all smiles?? All day long. Ran into a coworker who I have the BIGGEST crush on (I know, shocking right?? Lol), hangin out soon, riding lessons on my other coworkers motorcycle this weekend... Gotta say things are starting to look up. Thinking positive really works people, trust me.

Well, off to write this proposal. I'll B blogging later. Ooh, some motorcycle pics would B awesome, I'll try to post some, let's see if I can convince him to take some of me on his bike haha. :)

Love and bisous,
*Brown Sugar*

What's Done In The Dark...

Why am I awake?? My sleep cycle is all the way thrown off. I'm having a conversation with my ex bf of 9th-10th grade, he's makin me feel old. Plus he's makin me see that I'm not as bad at forgiving as I thought.

He was the first one to cheat on me, with my best friend at the time. Crushed my heart. Even though I wasn't in love with him, I worshiped the ground he walked on. He was a year older, played basketball, football, baseball, volleyball (it was a private school), not to mention he's Haitian. N he was interested in lil ole me, the volleyball player.

He's changed though. He's bitter cause my former bff did him the same way he did me. They forget about KARMA huh?? She's a bitch N not a pleasant one babes. That's what, 4-5 years down the drain?? Not saying he deserves it, but I'm not too remorseful for him. Hopefully he'll learn for the next go-round.

New Month...

Okay. So I haven't been in good place these past couple of weeks, was told to take an online assessment that told me theres a high possibility I may have depression. Big whoop. Just something to add on to my anxiety and the possibility of glaucoma. Im tired of people always ready to tell me somethings wrong with me, if it isnt one thing, its another. I know Im not "normal", but hell, who is? It just pisses me off that the world keeps trying to find things wrong with me when I cant find any good within myself.

So after I found this out, I called a friend asking to talk. Lets just say that didnt happen, due to caking and socializing. Needless to say, I had to let her know how I felt about it. Some people are more selfish than selfless, not their fault. Doesnt mean it doesnt need to be worked on though, just saying.

I woke up this morning and told myself, fuck it, I'm not gonna be mad or sad today. Told myself I wouldnt think any thoughts about love, about her, about financial problems, none of that. Then I looked at the calender: April 1st. Wouldve been a year today. Shook that off. Got in my car and saw the oil light on. Shit, gotta get my damn oil changed. Just one of the many things that requires money. Who knew a 5 year old could grow out of clothes so freakin fast, seems every other week I'm buying new outfits for her.

But whatever, not letting that get me down. Gotta work an 8 hour shift today, gotta love the kids. If my coworker up and magically 'disappears' like hes prone to do when I have 35+ kids, I will calmly cuss his ass out and keep it moving. Not letting anyone walk over me anymore, it gets old really quick.

Its a new month. I'm determined to leave these last couple of months behind and never look back. I'm still trying to find myself, and not giving up on me will be the hardest part...

Summer Trip!!

Finally made up my itinerary for my Cali trip. I'll B leaving for a week in June, I can't wait!! :) They make me even more excited because they're just as excited too lol.

I'm contemplating getting a hotel or staying with one of my best friends, don't know what I wanna do yet. Found a car rental place that won't charge me 'underage fees', made me happy. N its not bad, 200 for a week, unlimited miles N full tank of gas.

I just need a break from my life for awhile, get away N forget my problems. I wanna B able to enjoy standing on the beach N letting the waves wash over my feet, carrying all the sorrows away with it...

Buried Treasure

{Went to a party last night, got approached by so many dudes simply on my attire (I had on a simple black freakum dress). I felt like I had a "thick wit it" sign plastered on my head, like I was a piece of ass they wanted for the evening. I even got invited back to several of their places afterwards, of course I politely declined. That feeling inspired this poem.}

"Hair up, sweats on,
Would you notice me?
Freakum dress, music loud
All he sees is ass N titties.
He approaches, pushes up on me
Thinks he can dive into my treasure chest.
But baby, you don't have the key
Noone does, not even the best.
A lot of ships have crashed N burned,
In search of my buried treasure.
Cause, don't take offense (as I know you will),
You're not the first, there were many others.
But as hard N as long as they tried,
None of them got through.
So what really makes you think you can??
What's so special about you??
For an hour, mayB two, what,
You make my body feel damn good??
Then you'll have gotten what you wanted,
Just like you thought you could.
Sail on, brotha, sail on
Sorry, no loot for ya here.
This treasure chest is locked up tight
Go find your unlocked treasure elsewhere..."

Therapy ♥

Since I had a little extra money to spend from working overtime, I decided to splurge a little on me. That's acceptable, right??

I got an entire outfit from Ross for $30 and some change (white/black/blue tank dress, taupe/black belt and brown gladiator sandals, talk about bargain shopping) got a mini blue skirt and silver/blue sequined one shoulder top from Forever XXI for about $27 and last but not least 2 pairs of gladiators from Charlotte Russe, one platinum and one off gray (I'm a sucker for buy one get one $10) for under $35.

I'm starting to buy more shoes than clothes, pretty soon I'll have a pair in every color. I've yet to find those red heels I've been dreaming of, and I want a pair of deep purple flats really bad as well as a pair of navy blue flats/heels/wedges, doesn't matter. Those are the only colors remaining to complete my shoe collection, but we all know I'll keep buying more lol.

Shopping is the one thing that never disappoints me or let's me down and puts a smile on my face everytime. Gotta love it :)

Just A Thought

Diamonds are forever,
Lovin you aint.
So you can give me the diamonds
While you keep the pain.
I don't think its fair,
That I love you this way
I live for those three words
I'm so used to you sayin.
But alas, my heart's heavy,
Yet I shouldn't complain;
Cause I had you for a season
Which is more than okay...

Twitter Wifey

So I met this girl, figuratively speaking. Her name is Sammi N she lives in CT. She's cool as hell, we have the same interests N we talk almost everyday. Is it weird that we've become close in such a short period of time?? I feel like she's the friend I always wanted, a confidante who doesn't judge me N tells it like it is. Did I mention that she's hella cute N shares the same preference as I do?? :) Lol I love meeting new people...

All Screwed Up

I love dancing. Celebrated a friends b-day party at a latin salsa club tonight, freakin awesome. Hispanic places have the best alcoholic beverages.

Someone told me I use alcohol as a crutch when I've had a bad day. I disagree cause I drink it other times too. It does make me feel good though, which is why I like it so much. Also it makes me bold. I just danced the night away with people I don't know N it was fun. I flirted, I smiled, I laughed, I conversed. I had fun, N Lord knows its been awhile.

Love and bisous,

*Brown Sugar*
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Sweet Daydreams & Bittersweet Old Memories

Ive decided to take a week off during the summer and go back to Cali. Total spur of the moment (but not really since its so far away). I miss my best friends and ex-girlfriend, they were there by my side through the highs and lows and still are even though their so far away. Now THATS commitment, gotta love it.


Oh, the memories... Sophmore summer/Junior year at Loara H.S. I was a size 15 but did I let that slow me down?? No. The best years of my life.

Hunnybun, me and Miriam. She was more random than me, believe it or not.




Ray-Ray and I. She totally molested me when she found out I was leaving lol good times.



Me and Luis (pronounced 'Lou-ees'). Yes, he has on makeup, he's not gay, just a Morrissey follower. He lives in Germany now :( I miss him supplying me with alcohol



Hunnybun and I. Love love love this girl, she told me her life story the day I met her. We've been best friends ever since




Joanna and I. Erick gave this pic the most pornish title, "Joanna & Rose stars in 'Slippery When Wet'" lmao



The kitty they adopted and named after me (Azor)



My ex Leslie and I, she still makes me happy :)



Erica, Lezbear, Simone, Jessica Dowdy N I. The 'Umbrella' song was playin in the background, hence the U's lmao



Me, J.Dowdy N Lezbear


Class of 2008 baby!!



I miss the beach, the waves washing over my feet



Ive gotta admit, Im a city girl at heart. Miami, Orlando, LA, Anaheim, I live for the fast paced life. I feel thats why I fell in love with ATL to begin with, I dont do slow well. One week with the loves of my life will make me so happy. Raving, sitting on the beach drinking pina coladas and margaritas (legally of course). I wish I could take someone with me, the little one would just get in the way. Have someone experience the Cali way of life. Hopefully my anticipation will pay off, I'm saving up mula as we speak. Here's to old loves and new adventures, I'll raise my glass to that ♥

"It sucks when the one person you want most is the one person you don't need."- Chasity Raye

My play sister has got a point, this quote is the story of my life. I think this applies to a lot of people though. You can't help what your heart wants, no matter how hard your head tries to make sense of it. And that, my friends, is why so many of us end up heartbroken in the first place. Cause when it comes to matters of the heart, logic doesn't matter nor does it work...

Pray that I get outta this slump soon, "I need to get my happy back"-NeNe Leakes.

Finito

So I guess that's it. Over, finished, finito. I feel heart broken. I feel like a failure. The fact that my intentions weren't clear tears me up because I thought I did a better job than that. I'm too mad to cry. I want to hate you but you can't help how you feel. I wish I'd never fallen for you, I wish I'd locked my heart away, I wish I never knew you love...